I’ve felt a desire to share some sacred experiences the Lord has given me. My whole purpose in sharing these experiences is to testify of Jesus Christ and the reality of the atonement. I hope by testifying of these things others will be strengthened spiritually and will be motivated to follow the Savior with full purpose of heart and receive all that He has for them.
The greatest concern I have is that those who read about my experiences will expect to receive the exact same experience in their life. I’m not sure it works that way. I think we need to explore our own unique gift of the Holy Ghost and learn how grow in it.
My ward leaders told me that after I was baptized I would receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. I was nine years old and believed what they said. My dad was not a member and my mother was inactive, but both of them, at the urging of our ward leaders took me to the Salt Lake Tabernacle to be baptized.
There were about 30 or 40 people there. We were told to wait until my name was called. As we set there someone announced that the ordinance of baptism was sacred and that everyone there should have pure thoughts. In a few minutes a man entered the font and several young people were baptized. I immediately became concerned by what I saw. My thoughts were not about the Holy Ghost but about what happened when the newly baptized person exited the font. The wet white gown clung to them and revealed a lot of anatomy. I determined then and there that when my turn came I wasn’t going to reveal myself.
In a few minutes my name was called and I went to the locker room and was handed a white gown and nothing else. The gown, as I remember it, was a one piece garment with no zipper, and the candidate for baptism pulled it on like a t-shirt. It hung to the floor and seemed heavy. I entered the font with the help of several people; my thoughts were focused on my predetermined exit strategy. When I came out of the water I immediately grasped the front and back of my gown and pulled hard so it wouldn’t cling to me as I exited the font. I remember muffled laughter coming from those in attendance. However, I felt confident that my plan had been successful, which my mother later confirmed.
I didn’t think much about the gift of the Holy Ghost until I began to notice a “feeling” that would come to me in my deacon’s class. I don’t remember experiencing it anywhere else. After class, on several occasions I mentioned it to my friends. I wondered out loud why I would feel so good after listening to a dumb lesson. I noticed that the feeling would leave me only to return again the next week.
I gradually lost interest in church but I felt I was being watched over. I figured it was the same for everyone and didn’t pay much attention to those kinds of thoughts. That is until one eventful morning when I was fourteen, as I started waking up I took a deep breath and exhaled, then it happened, I couldn’t inhale. I was startled and instinctively reached for my throat. No matter what I did I couldn’t inhale any air. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I couldn’t see anything wrong. My mother saw me and in a voice filled with panic asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t answer her. I ran into the dinning room and was beginning to feel pain in my chest. My mother was there but she couldn’t help me. I dropped to my knees in desperation and prayed, immediately I took in a life giving breath. It was my first experience of having a prayer answered-I realized someone was there.
By the time I was sixteen I forgot about my earlier answer to prayer. The power of my fallen nature was in full bloom. I wasn’t very good at keeping the commandments and when I felt an inner voice telling me not do something I dismissed it saying in my heart, that whoever you are you’re not my friend or else you would have answered my prayers about my mom and dad-so get the hell away from me.
Driving aimlessly about town with my buddies and going to keg parties became my new religion. I was very active. I paid little attention to my inner voice but I appreciated its presence even though I wasn’t willing to follow it.
As the years went by I became more worldly, but every so often I would focus on my inner voice and wondered if what I was taught as a youth was true. “What about the Book of Mormon and the Joseph Smith story, I would think, what if these things are true?” One day while in this frame of mind I decided to read the Book of Mormon, I said to myself, “if it is true then I will change my life, if not, then I will entirely forget about religion”. I offered a prayer telling Heavenly Father my commitment and invited Him to bless me to know about the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith. The next night, a few minutes after getting into bed I received an answer to my prayer, I should say, a partial answer, I was given an experience similar to what Joseph Smith wrote about when he said, “…I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak…it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction…to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being”(JS-History 1:15-16).
While I was in the grip of this power from the unseen, but now seen world, I realized the incredible hate he had for me; I called upon God to deliver me, and my prayer was immediately answered.[1]
This kind of experience creates an instant testimony. It was a dramatic and powerful occurrence. It left no room for doubt about the presence of God and satan. This was not a sanctifying experience in the sense of a “mighty change of heart”, that would come many years later.
I’m embarrassed to say that even after the Lord provided this life changing encounter I returned to my old habits. It took me numerous attempts to break away from the life style I had been living before I was able to bring some order into my life.
After a few months I decided to attend church. I also commenced to read the Book of Mormon. I started new friendship and put former ones behind me. It took me about three months to complete the Book of Mormon. I loved every minute of it. The Holy Ghost was with me as I read. I wrote down questions and literally hungered for the truths of the gospel. When I completed my study of the Book of Mormon I didn’t need to ask the Lord if it were true, I knew it was true by the manifestation of the Holy Ghost that I experienced on a daily basis as I read it.[2]
I was very excited about the gospel and the testimony I’d received. I read everything I could get my hands on. I decided that I wanted to tell others about the restoration of the gospel. I turned in my papers to serve a mission. The Lord drew very near to me at this time. It was as though I were encircled about in the arms of His love. Before I received my call the Lord revealed to me where I would serve my mission. This was made known to me by the whisperings of the Spirit (Holy Ghost). My farewell talk at church was a spiritual treat for me and those in attendance because of the Spirit that was there. I could have recited the A, B, C’s and it would have been edifying.
Once in the mission field I encountered trails and difficulties of every kind. The first part of my mission was tough, but I was determined to serve God and I worked very hard in His behalf. I would characterize my mission as being very average. At times I felt very close to the Lord, and at other times it was as though I was left to myself. I learned that my ability to teach the gospel effectively, in other words, with the spirit, was related to the receptiveness of the person my companion and I were teaching. There was one experience in particular that taught me how the spirit works with missionaries. We were teaching a man who was in school to become a minister. He was smart, humble, and asked difficult questions. On one occasion while I attempted to answer his questions I found myself listening-listening to myself teach. It was as though there were two minds in one body. As I was teaching him with one mind, the other mind was acting as an interested observer. It was an amazing experience that went on for more than an hour. When we concluded our investigator was ready for baptism but wanted to talk with his family. The next time we saw him he was hostile and wouldn’t even talk with us other than to say he had lost interest. This was an example of a man who had been enlightened by the spirit of God and then lost the light by allowing disbelief to take root in his heart and mind because of the persuasion (precepts) of his family (D&C 93:39).
At the end of my mission I felt I had served the Lord diligently, but I also felt I had disappointed Him because of the temptations I experienced. Being in the world, but not of the world is easier said than done, I was learning. The gravity of the life I experienced before my mission pulled at me.
When I came home I was tired, but thankful to have my mission behind me. My homecoming talk was a dud. I wondered at the difference; why was my farewell talk so uplifting and my homecoming talk just the opposite? I concluded that the workings of the Spirit are not easily understood, just as described in the scriptures (Ecclesiastes 11:5).
I was excited about my future and about my first experience as a college student. I had been dating a wonderful girl for about a year and we were considering getting married. I was very much in love with her and I felt certain that she was going to be my wife. On one of those evenings when couples talk freely about their life’s experiences I shared with her some things about myself when I was inactive. From that time forward our relationship began to decline. Her upbringing was such that she couldn’t handle a relationship with an Alma the younger kind of guy, a Nephi type of guy was a better match for her. I know that now, but I didn’t realize it then, so I pushed on. By the time school started I had a serious case of heartache-extreme heartache. She was seeing another person and told me she loved me, but was also falling in love with him.
When she told me this I was angry and even raised my fist towards heaven and using profanity swore at Lord for letting this happen. Within hours I sought forgiveness and divine help! I approached the Lord in prayer and within a day or two found myself experiencing a dimension of prayer that was new to me. As I poured out my soul to the Lord asking him for help, I told him that I wanted to keep his commandment regarding marriage and that I had found the girl I wanted to marry. I explained that we had dated for over a year and that we were temple worthy and pleaded for his help. I made covenants that I would be the best husband and father that I could be. I found myself praying for hours at a time-in fact I couldn’t stop praying. When I wasn’t on my knees praying, prayers flowed from my heart. The channels of communication were open and I knew the Lord was hearing my prayers. I had received a gift from the Lord-the gift of prayer. I lost interest in food, and was essentially fasting every day and ate only to keep my strength up. I began to lose weight. I was showing up for my classes, but I was supplicating the Lord with all my heart, might, mind, strength, and soul.
One day, while praying a question formed in my mind that I knew came from the Lord-“lovest her more than me?” This question needed to be answered and I responded immediately, “Lord, thou knowest I love thee, bless me to love thee more perfectly.” From this point on my prayers turned to my relationship with the Lord. I explained to the Lord that I was not going to stop praying to him until I received and answer and that I would accept his will no matter what it was-and I meant what I said. I thought about all my sins and pled for forgiveness. At this point a pain entered into my heart that I cannot describe. I’d never felt anything like it before. It was intense heart-pain. Not from the heart that pumps blood, but from the heart that resides at the center of our being-the place where our fondest hopes and dreams emanate. I cried many tears and realized anew my nothingness! I understood more than ever before my unworthiness and I begged the Lord to apply his atoning blood so that I could be made clean.
I raised these earnest, heart-felt prayers for a two to three week period. One evening as I was preparing for bed, all I could do was kneel by my bed and say a very short prayer; I was physically and spiritually exhausted. I reminded the Lord that I was going to continue to call upon him until I received an answer. A few minutes after getting into bed in the throes of a gloomy and forlorn mood, I felt something in the room change, as I focused my attention I realized the spirit entered the room and my heart, joy replaced gloominess and sadness,it was like a refreshing breeze entering into a hot and stuffy room. I knew I was to get out of bed and open my scriptures. The page fell open to D&C 84 and I started to read at verse 44.
As I read these words I knew the Lord was speaking to me, and when I read verse 61 I knew that my sins were forgiven. I raised a silent shout of joy to my Savior!
A week or two later, while at Sacrament meeting I received another manifestation of the spirit; while taking the sacrament I experienced the presence of “fire”. It was a subtle, rather than a dramatic experience. I looked around the room to see if anyone else was aware of what I was experiencing. I wasn’t sure what had happened but I knew it was from God. I felt peace, love, and joy, and raised my voice in prayer thanking the Lord for his great kindness to me. I felt clean and pure and extremely close to Heavenly Father.
My girl friend and I broke up a couple of months after this experience. I cannot describe the pain and unrest I felt, but I had told the Lord his will be done, for as much as I loved her, I loved the Lord more. I prayed that I would be able to stand up under the afflictions that came to me, and I had faith the Lord would continue to be with me in my trials. For several nights, when my heartache was at its worst, I was visited by the Holy Ghost and learned for myself what the scriptures mean about the Holy Ghost being a “comforter”. What can I say to you as a reader of my words to convey the least part of what I experienced? Just know that God is love and he desires to heal us from our sins. He wants to give to us the gift of eternal life! When Nephi says, “He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh”, I can verify his words and bear a similar testimony with my own lips because of the experiences the Lord gave me in the days of my severest trials.
I am so thankful that the Lord extended his love and kindness to me in such marvelous ways. I love the Lord because he loved me first. I can hardly believe that these experiences were given to me; I am completely unworthy of them.
There was a mighty change in my heart and mind. I knew I was born again (to some degree) and had received fire and the Holy Ghost. I engaged myself in school and read the Book of Mormon with new eyes and understanding. The Holy Ghost was my constant companion in those days. I felt and comprehended things in ways I never had before. I asked the Lord to bless me to meet people who were like Nephi, and I also prayed to learn to know more about the Lord and His church. My prayers were answered in short order, and I marveled at the variety of people I became acquainted with. I learned things from them about the Lord, His prophets, and His church that amazed me and also challenged me greatly. I realized for the first time that our church history and doctrine could challenge the strongest church member’s testimony and even be the root cause for some members to lose their testimonies.
I enjoyed my college experience, but my interest in doctrine and church history eclipsed anything else I was studying. Because of the many spiritual experiences I had been given I was insulated from the “fiery darts” of the adversary that come to me as I studied, I could not be moved. I prayed for answers to my new found questions and the answer was always the same: we live in a fallen world and we’re here to be tried and proven and there is opposition in all things, be still and know that I am God[3].
From those days until the most recent day, the Lord as been near, but not as near as He was for the first few years after my experience with the sacrament. I can relate to what Joseph Smith said after he experienced the First Vision and was born again:
After it was truly manifested unto this first elder that he had received a remission of his sins, he was entangled again in the vanities of the world… D&C 20:5
Having experienced a “mighty change” I can say that one doesn’t have a disposition to do evil, at least not in the same way as prior to this experience. However, it would be wrong to say that temptations and sin are not longer a factor of life. That just wouldn’t be true. King Benjamin taught his people how to retain a remission of theirs sins after they were born again and experienced the might change (Mosiah 4:26).
In the years and decades that have followed I have been blessed with many experiences with the things of the spirit. When I have needed help the Lord has blessed me abundantly. I have been given visions, dreams, and received the ministering of angels (unseen) in answer to prayer. However, I have had to struggle in the spirit and pay a price for these blessings. There have been many times I have prayed and have been unable to obtain an answer to my prayers. This is frustrating, but who am I to counsel the Lord.
If there is only one thing you remember from this post I hope this will be it: The Savior gave His life for you and He cannot extend the complete gift and benefits of the atonement to you, until you offer up a broken heart and contrite spirit (2 Nephi 2:6-8). Based on my experience, I learned that offering up an acceptable sacrifice is accomplished when you plead with Him for forgiveness of your sins. When you acknowledge your fallen nature and realize your dependence upon Him (Christ) for entrance into God the Father’s presence, then you will be on the high road to fulfilling your baptismal covenant.
1 Joseph Smith was not possessed by and evil spirit, nor was I.
2 The “feelings” I received from the manifestation of the Holy Ghost revealing the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon are difficult to describe, so I’ll borrow the following words because they are the best I know of to relate how my testimony of the Book of Mormon came to me: And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good-yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously; and this is my Spirit. Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy; And then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of righteousness, in faith believing in me that you shall receive. D&C 11:12-14.
3 There are many scriptures that say essentially the same thing, here are a few: Alma 42:14, Abraham 3:25, 2 Nephi 2:11, Psalms 46:10